Who am I?
I did not know the answer to this for years, in fact it has taken me 41 years to know who I truly am. In the past whenever somebody asked me that dreaded question, I panicked, I seized up, my hands got hot and sweaty and I literally could not breathe.
Because I did not have the answers. It did not matter how deep I dug, I could never find the words. I would say, “A mum, a wife, a divorcee, single parent, mature student and social worker”.
The different roles I had been in my life rolled off my tongue every time. It only hit me when somebody said, “Lois, that is great, but who is the real you?”
I did not know the answer to this and the tears started rolling down my face. This was the beginning of my transformational journey to connecting deeply within myself.
For as long as I can remember, I lived my life on the side-lines away from the excitement. I did not take risks. I had learnt this way I was not noticed. I became invisible. I was not heard, I felt unvalued. I felt misunderstood and that I did not quite fit in.
From a young age, I learnt to be quiet and do as I was told. I was told how to feel and what to say. This became my normal. This way I was left alone. This dictation in my life made me numb, dictation continued through to my adulthood. This is what I attracted in my life.
I continuously attracted emotionally unavailable, dictating lovers. I never spoke up, my voice was not important and I was afraid to be heard. I allowed men to treat me badly, I allowed them to dictate to me. The sad thing is I had no emotion, I was numb.
I got told becoming a mother would be the happiest day of my life. Why did I not feel this. I questioned myself, I felt guilty, but I could not force the emotions I was supposed to feel.
Suddenly my baby was whisked away from me; he needed lifesaving open heart surgery at 5 days old. I remember the chaos, I remember the noise. I remember feeling incredibly guilty and thought it was some kind of karma for not being instantly connected to my baby.
I remember the long six hours waiting to know my baby boy’s fate. I remember feeling numb, apologising and slowly lifting my head up to talk to the sky. I looked up and said, “If anybody is listening up there, please let my boy be okay. If he survives, I will cope with anything in life, as long as I have him”. Still very numb, no feelings. I was unable to show any emotion whatsoever.
The next thing was to accept I had hit rock bottom. I hated who I was, I had been told I was a shit mother and I believed it. I felt low, had no self regard and for a few seconds, cI felt I could not continue. I had to accept my marriage was broken. I did not have the strength to try and fix it. I could not face it. I mustered up enough strength to pick up my baby boy and leave our home. I could not breathe, I felt suffocated. I needed to go. I felt a failure. Still I was unable to show any emotion. I did not know how I felt, just numb.
I remember saying to myself, “Fuck you, nobody is ever going to hurt me again. I am going to fucking show you, I am worth something, I will be something”. All I knew was that I needed to be strong for my boy.
Then I became a qualified social worker as a mature student. It was hard work, but worth it as I wanted to create a better life for my precious son. However, the truth is, I felt like I needed to prove myself. I needed to show everyone I was fine on my own and I was successful.
Why Did I Feel the need to prove myself?
I had no self-worth, I was stuck emotionally, I was numb. I felt dead inside. I did not smile, laugh or cry. Nobody knew what I was thinking or feeling. I was missing so much inside of me, I felt the need to prove myself to get validation from the outside world. To feel good about myself.
I lied to myself, I told myself I was number, because I was a social worker. I had been trained to not show my emotions, right?
Wrong, the truth is the numbness and pain in my life started as a teenager. It just got worse and worse until I was truly lost, disconnected and angry inside.
The qualities I saw in myself as strengths – strong, showing no emotions, not caring about anything became my biggest pain. The pain I felt made me feel worthless, I had no self love or self regard. I used to hear myself saying:
“I am not good enough”
“I can’t do that”
“Why would anybody listen to me”
“I am not intelligent enough”
“Why doesn’t anybody get me”
The truth is I stopped myself unlocking my power with the beliefs I had created. I thought they were so real, I stopped living my life. I existed. It cost me my happiness, relationships. I was passed up on different promotions. Of course this just reinforced my beliefs I had created.
I could not bare the pain anymore. I wanted more. This led me to my journey of self development. I was coached. This journey tore down the concrete layers, it ripped down my armour I had put up to protect me. The layers were peeled one by one until I dug so deep I found ME. This was the start to me reconnecting to who I am, I started learning about ME again.
If I told you this journey was easy, I would be lying. It has been challenging to say the least. I wanted more. If I continued to do what I had always done, I would get what I had always got.
Something had to change. I made a choice to invest in me. The journey has been incredible. In a way it has been like getting to know my best friend, Me.
Identity and knowing who you truly are is of paramount importance. If you do not have the knowledge and understanding of who you truly are, your thoughts create a negative sense of self.
This is debilitating. It impacts your overall wellbeing and mental health negatively.
Your thoughts create your emotions. If you do not have a positive sense of self and high self regard of who you truly are; it is impossible to unlock your own unique superpowers.
I reconnected to myself on a deeper level; I know and love who I am. I feel connected, I feel love, I feel valued and heard. I sit in my truth and my new power is allowing myself to be vulnerable.
If we cannot risk being vulnerable we will not experience the value of connection.
My journey of coaching has been a recipe for me to feel connection on a deeper level. This has ignited love, passion and desire into my life. My life has transformed, my unique superpower of my truth has been unlocked. I have a beautiful relationship with myself; I have also experienced a positive ripple effect in all my personal and professional relationships. The power of coaching is that my life has transformed, but so have the lives of the people around me.
My Top Tips To Reconnect To Yourself Within
• Get a Coach: The true way to strip away the bull shit of stories and beliefs you have and to create emotional connection within is to invest in yourself by getting a coach.
• Slow Down: Sit still with yourself at the start of each day, even for just 10 minutes. Take deep breaths and take the time to feel your emotions. Notice what comes up for you.
• Meditate: Try and make meditation as part of your daily routine. This helps you slow down and be present to you.
• Nature: Connecting to nature can make you more present, it reduces your stress levels and leaves you with a feeling of happiness.
• Gratitude: When you are truly thankful for things in your life, it will increase your state to high energy and a positive attitude.
• Curiosity: Always have a curious mind. You will learn more about you.
• Awareness: When you are aware of your emotions, you can figure out what triggers you. When you know your triggers, you can work out what is missing from you and what you need to develop from within.
• The Power of Song: Edwin Coppard believes the power of song using your own voice, helps you reconnect to your true self.
• The Power of Dance: Gabrielle Roth created the 5 Rhythms which is a dance and movement meditation practice. This allows you to deepen your understanding of your natural truth, and ground your mind, connecting back to your body.
• Ask yourself Empowering Questions: Tony Robbins says, If you ask yourself empowering questions, your brain will look for answers that will make you feel better, but allow you to celebrate and reconnect with your true self.
Remember, if you wish to experience true connection vulnerability is needed. It is your Power
Enjoy the Ride of Unlocking Your Own Unique Super Powers!
Lois Thomsett is an international accredited Emotional Connection Coach.
Lois is a mother to her twelve year old son and she is excited to be getting married to her true love in June 2022.
Lois helps people to create deeper emotional connections within to ignite more love, passion and desire into their lives.